


Tell Me It's Okay (I'm Happy Now)

by sadspencer



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Autistic Spencer Reid, Comfort, Drug Addiction, Fluff, Light Angst, Past Drug Addiction, Spencer Reid Needs a Hug, Spencer Reid Whump, Team as Family, kind of??
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-12
Updated: 2021-01-12
Packaged: 2021-03-16 19:28:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28712040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sadspencer/pseuds/sadspencer
Summary: spencer took a deep breath, trying to get his emotions under control. other than at meetings and to his sponsor, he'd never spoken about this out loud. his eyes were focused out of the window, though he wasn't looking at anything. "did you know that almost twenty-one million americans have at least one addiction, yet only ten percent of them receive treatment?"••or the one in which nobody actually knew of spencer's addiction until he told them
Relationships: The BAU Team & Spencer Reid
Comments: 19
Kudos: 277





	Tell Me It's Okay (I'm Happy Now)

**Author's Note:**

> title from "tell me it's okay" by paramore
> 
> i got stressed about my other works so i wrote this instead. i know the team knew about the dilaudid but for the sake of this, let's pretend they didn't

it was rare that the team were in such good spirits on the way home from a child abduction case. over the previous two weeks, four children had gone missing in wichita, kansas, but no bodies had shown up. in less than two days after getting there, the team had figured out who the unsub was (a man who taught at the elementary school that all four children attended) and apprehended him. he had been convinced that all four of these children were being abused by their parents due to their shy demeanour as that was how he, an abuse survivor, had behaved when he was a child.

only one of the children was actually being abused, they discovered, and not long before they left, they witnessed the boy's face light up as he was told that he was going to be living with his aunt, who he apparently loved a lot. sure, discovering that a child was an abuse victim was awful, but the utter happiness that the child clearly felt when being removed from that situation left the team feeling lighter. on top of that, none of the children had been harmed whilst with the unsub, which was definitely a win in their books.

overall, the case was a success and left them all relatively content. this, of course, lead to all but rossi and hotch playing poker on the flight back. after the third round in a row of spencer winning, derek slapped his hand down on the table in fake anger. "reid, you're cheating."

"i am not!" he denied.

derek glared at him, though a smirk was tugging at his lips. "i don't belive that."

"i'm from vegas, i grew up playing cards. it's not my fault i'm better than you."

"okay," derek turned his attention to two sitting next to them, watching in amusement, "so if vegas here is gonna cheat every time, i think it's only fair that we make him take a time-out."

the girls grinned as spencer's jaw slightly dropped. "excuse me?"

"yeah, reid," emily joined, "it's only fair. you've already cheated three times now."

"i haven't cheated!"

"oh, but you have." jj picked up his winning cards from in front of him and placed them in the pile for emily to shuffle, which she immediately did once derek's were also in the pile. "which means it's time for you to go sit on the couch for the next two rounds while the grown ups play, and you can think about what you did."

the man petulantly crossed his arms, only furthering the childish image he seemed to portray. "i don't need to think about what i did, because i didn't do anything."

"awe," emily pouted, "poor baby is getting cranky without his nap."

spencer narrowed his eyes at her, playing along since they all knew he was secretly amused. "this poor baby has a gun. maybe if you make him cranky enough, he'll use it."

"oh, this brings me back." jj sighed nostalgically, the other two either chuckling or sighing in a similar fashion.

"to what?" spencer asked.

"to when you hated emily." she smiled, making his eyebrows furrow and his head tilt slightly in confusion.

"i never hated emily."

derek scoffed. "yes, you did." once asked when, he replied, "back when she first joined the team."

"i was a bit wary of her at first, sure, and maybe i was a little harsh to her for a while but i've never hated her." his fingers interlocked under the table and his thumbs twiddled together. he knew what time they were referring to but surely they didn't think it was out of hate, did they?

emily stared at him for a few moments before asking, "so if you didn't hate me, why were you so harsh to me? i get that you'd just gone through a… tough time, and you were dealing with ptsd, working through trauma, but it went on for longer than we expected. did i do something?" after a second, she quickly added, "if i'm pushing too hard, feel free to tell me to shut up and i'll drop it."

he bit the inside of his cheek. why was she asking about that? they all already knew why, didn't they? his mouth opened but closed again immediately after, unsure of what exactly to say. "you're not pushing too hard." he eventually clarified.

derek raised an eyebrow as he leaned back in his seat across from him. "kid, if you don't wanna talk about it, nobody's making you. yeah, we're all curious about why you disliked prentiss so much but we know that it could just be that she was new. you don't have to be embarrassed to admit that you didn't like the change." of course, he didn't actually think it was just because of the change, he just wanted to give his friend an excuse if he needed it.

spencer was aware of derek's thought process and he appreciated it, briefly considering taking the easy way out. his curiosity won when he saw that hotch and rossi were also looking over from their seats at the other end of the jet, despite the latter not even being on the team during the time they were discussing.

"it wasn't that." he confirmed. "do you guys- do you guys really not know?"

"do we not know what?" hotch asked.

spencer looked at his unit chief as his own lips thinned into a straight line. he didn't know how exactly he was supposed to go about asking something like this. after a few seconds of contemplative silence, spencer blew out a small breath. "what's your theory on it? completely honest, forget the no inter-team profiling rule. don't hold anything back."

hotch put down the files he'd been holding in order to focus his attention fully on his subordinate, rossi following his lead. "my theory is that you were still trying to accept elle's departure, your abandonment issues making it harder for you to deal with than for the rest of us. prentiss joined the team soon after elle left, and you struggled to adjust. then only a few months after prentiss' arrival, the hankel case happened. you were dealing with heavy trauma and bottling it up, so it manifested itself into anger. you expressed that anger at the last object of your discomfort - prentiss. you refused all therapy aside from what was mandatory, meaning that you dealt with ptsd alone, only exacerbating the symptoms. eventually you got more of a handle on your mental state and allowed yourself to warm up to prentiss. your friendship grew from there, and now here we are."

"the hankel case?" rossi questioned almost hesitantly.

hotch looked at spencer, silently asking for permission to share as he knew the younger man wouldn't want to do it himself. when he received a nod, he answered. "tobias hankel was an unsub who kidnapped reid and tortured him for almost two days. he beat him, made him choose who lives and dies, and streamed several clips to us. we eventually found him using clues that reid secretly gave us during the videos, but only after reid shot him."

spencer's eyes drifted over each of his teammates. all of them looked upset at the retelling of such an awful time for all of them, but not as if they were holding anything back. rossi's eyes were slightly widened in shock, the others' being downcast. is it possible that they really didn't know?

"is uh, is that all? you really all think that's it?" he was fighting to keep his voice steady though the effort that required was clear to those around him. the concern in his friends' eyes as all but rossi nodded was enough to make tears burn at the back of his eyes, only furthering their worry as he attempted to blink them away.

"spence?" jj said softly, lifting a hand to hold his.

"i- i thought you all knew. i thought you just… didn't do anything. not wanting anyone to lose their job, you know?"

"kid, you're worrying us. whatever it is, you can say."

spencer took a deep breath, trying to get his emotions under control. other than at meetings and to his sponsor, he'd never spoken about this out loud. his eyes were focused out of the window, though he wasn't looking at anything. "did you know that almost twenty-one million americans have at least one addiction, yet only ten percent of them receive treatment?"

nobody spoke for a few seconds, not prepared for what they knew wasn't a subject change as much as it seemed like it was.

"no, we didn't know that." hotch eventually replied, leaving the conversation open for whatever spencer would say next.

he hummed an affirmative before continuing, "the most common addiction in america is nicotine with over forty million users. the fourth most common is ah, painkillers."

"what are you saying?" jj rubbed a thumb soothingly over his hand.

spencer swallowed hard. "hankel was addicted to dilaudid, which is one of the more common opioids people become addicted to." the hand not being held by jj was rubbing back and forth on his thigh, though his face shown no emotion besides the occasional twitch of his nose.

"spencer," derek began, pausing for a moment before asking, "did hankel drug you?"

spencer nodded. he took a chance to look around the jet, taking in emily's partially opened lips and derek's sorrowful eyes. jj's hand had tightened around his as her head turned to face the table. the expressions of the two oldest team members didn't change, though their eyes were noticeably less joyful than they had been before this conversation had started.

"that's not all though, is it?" hotch questioned, to which spencer squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. he took another deep breath before smoothing out his features, focusing his gaze back on the table in front of him.

his voice was monotone, void of emotion, as he said, "he drugged me several times over the course of those two days. by the time i killed him, i was pretty much addicted. i continued using for several months before getting clean. i'll be four years sober next month."

a hand grabbed his and pulled it away from where his fingers were digging into the crook of his elbow through his cardigan. he hadn't even been aware that he was no longer holding jj's hand.

a few seconds of silence pass before he looks up, but instead of the disgust he was prepared for, he was only met with gazes of sorrow and… pride?

"thank you for telling us." hotch's voice was strained, surprising spencer.

"you really thought we would just ignore it?" derek asked quietly.

"i mean… yeah." spencer shrugged. "i just thought it was a plausible deniability thing. no one can get fired if no one is aware, you know? figured you thought i was smart enough to overcome it on my own and evidently, i guess i was."

"but you shouldn't have had to overcome it on your own." emily spoke. "i'm sorry that you did."

his mouth opened but before his reply could come out, hotch said, "i'm sure i speak for all of us when i say that we're sorry for not realising what was happening. we should have spoken to you about it and helped you."

tears collected at the corners of spencer's eyes, a shaky breath making its way out of the ghost of a relieved smile as he admitted, "i don't- i don't know what to say. i kind of um, never thought i'd be having this conversation. i was really under the impression that you all knew."

"spence," jj whispered, squeezing his hand once, "i can't belive you did that alone. you're so strong."

his head shot up, eyes locking onto hers. his lips moved, searching for words to say but coming up empty, eventually settling for just shaking his head before looking back down.

"she's right, kid." derek's voice was still just as quiet, but now with a certainty to it that made spencer listen, though he still didn't look up. "i knew you were strong but…" he shook his head and blew out a breath from between his teeth, "i never would've imagined that you'd gone through that and managed to get over it all alone. that's not to say i'm surprised that you overcame it, because i'm not. if anyone can beat an addiction by themselves, it's you. i just wish you never had to."

spencer swallowed hard, trying to clear the lump from his throat with little success. he bit the inside of his cheek and closed his eyes, unsure how to convey the overwhelming sense of relief he felt. after a few seconds of silence, he looked up at the person diagonal from him, briefly making eye contact before looking back at the table. "emily, i just… i'm sorry for how i treated you. no matter what i was dealing with, i shouldn't have been so cruel to you, especially seeing as you never once held it against me."

"i forgive you." she admitted softly. "i forgave you long before now, reid. i never held it against you because there was never any need to. you're one of my best friends, even if we did get off to a rocky start."

a small but genuine smile was sent her way before he turned his attention to the whole jet, taking in their varying but similar expressions. pinched features, sad eyes, tight movements. none of them seemed angry, which shocked him. he had expected outrage, maybe even being fired. well, that wasn't quite ruled out just yet. as if sensing his train of thought, his boss turned his head from facing the table to look at spencer more directly.

"thank you for trusting us with this. i can assure you that no consequences will come of it. the only change will be us being more mindful, and hopefully you know that you can always talk to any of us about this."

spencer nodded before licking his dry lips. "i- i do have one question?" hotch titled his head in acknowledgement. "what did you think i was referring to when i mentioned 'seeing a movie'?"

the unit chief stared for a moment before exhaling a small breath. "you meant that you were at a support group, didn't you?" at spencer's awkward smile of confirmation, he answered, "you seemed like there was a weight off your shoulders whenever you came back from 'seeing a movie' so i assumed it was a friend or a partner that you wanted to keep private."

"well, you weren't far off." he granted. "i did make some friends there, including my sponsor."

"that's good to hear."

"so, i'm assuming this is why you don't drink? i don't need to take offense at you rejecting every excellent bottle of wine i offer you?" rossi teased in an attempt to lighten the mood.

spencer huffed out a breathy laugh and agreed, "i'm sure your wine is lovely but my sobriety is important to me in all forms."

"glad to know." the older man smiled.

a sudden snort from derek turned the attention away from the genius, who raised an eyebrow at his friend.

"garcia is gonna bake you so many cookies when she gets wind of this."

the team chuckled at the way spencer's eyes suddenly lit up. "well, at least there's one good thing to come out of this. do you think she'd make me those ones with the chunky chocolate chips?"

derek grinned. "i'll be sure to mention them to her."

when spencer arrived at work the next day, a container full of chunky chocolate chip cookies was sat on his desk, a note on top of it in penelope's signature handwriting, full of loops and surrounded by hearts.

' _love you, boy wonder!! come see me whenever so i can give you a big hug:)_ '

spencer had never been so full of love for his family.

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed! as always, all feedback is appreciated.
> 
> i could've taken more time on this one but honestly i just wanted to write something, which is why it's so short. hopefully it's not too bad though!!
> 
> i have a [tumblr](http://sadspencer.tumblr.com) too with the same username as here:) come be my friend!


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